Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Great Escape

"Don't look back!" Saddam yelled to his companions as they sprinted across the fiery field. The alarm was blaring behind them in the distance, and the sounds of pounding hooves and flapping leathery wings could be heard not far behind.

"Stop acting like you're in charge, you sad little man," Hitler snapped. The three of them jumped into a ditch and stayed motionless as three hulking crimson demons dashed by.

"You both need to stop bickering," Vlad said once the demons had passed their hiding place. "It's beginning to get on my nerves."

"I still think we should've left him," Hitler whispered to Vlad. "He's not of the master race, and his moustache is hideous."

"I can hear you," Saddam said.

Hitler turned and faced him.

"No hard feelings, but if we weren't dead, I'd kill you," he said.

"Both of you shut up!" Vlad the Impaler growled.

He motioned to both of them and they all climbed out of the ditch. They were currently in the Plains of Damnation, one of the more calm regions of Hell, all things considered. They had escaped from the innermost circles, crossed the Lake of Fire, and were making a break for the Stairway to Earth. Despite what you'd think, attempted prison breaks happen relatively often in Hell, but the three begrudging companions had gotten considerably farther than most. Of course, they'd sacrificed Stalin and Billy Mays when they used them as canoes to cross the lake of fire, but progress is progress.

They got up and dashed across the orange plain, the whole thing covered in burning grass. Their next destination was the Woods of Suffering, and once through, they'd need to cross the River Styx, and then climb the stairs, and they'd be free.

They reached the edge of the Woods of Suffering. The trees were black and dead, all burning with hellfire.

"Say what you will about Satan," Saddam said, "but he certainly knows how to stick to a theme."

"He is lacking in non-fire-related decorations," agreed Vlad. "I have seen a single impaled corpse the entire
time of been down here."

"And if he's going to use fire, at least be effective about it. Where are the ovens?" Hitler said.

They wandered through the forest, generally avoiding the hellfire when they could, but still becoming thoroughly singed. They were three-fourths of the way through when they heard a loud rumble approaching them from the rear. They turned to see an enormous demon wielding a suitably enormous axe. It was twenty feet tall and it had black spiraling horns that burned with fire at the tips, razor sharp teeth in a mouth that breathed fire, black hooves that shot sparks when they touched the ground, and had skin so red that it seemed to be on fire.

"Dedicated to the look," said Saddam.

"I'd need an entire tree to impale that!" declared Vlad.

"I bet it's a Jew," mumbled Hitler. "Only Jews use axes."

The demon swung its axe at them, destroying several trees in the process, and they leaped out of the way. They got up and ran as the creature prepared to swing again. It chased them through the forest for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally, the three escapees came to a black granite cliff, and at the bottom was the River Styx. On the other side of the canyon the stairway was visible.

"Where's the fire?" asked Saddam.

"No one said anything about a cliff. How do we get across?" Vlad asked.

The demon was growing worryingly close now, and would be within decapitating distance momentarily.

"Let's see. To cross Styx, you need a golden drachma, but we don't have any coins..." Vlad pondered.

"You must be a Jew. Only a Jew would know that."

Vlad's eyes fell upon the golden medals that adorned Saddam's military uniform. He grabbed him and promptly tossed him into the canyon. There was a splash and a sizzle, and out of thin air, a bridge appeared.

"Let's go!" Vlad started to cross, but Hitler hesitated. The demon's footsteps were close now. "What are you
waiting for?"

"The bridge appeared out of nowhere! That's Indiana Jones shit! That guy killed Nazis!!!"

"Suit yourself." Vlad crossed the bridge in time to turn around and see Hitler get chopped vertically in half by the enormous axe.

He turned towards the stairs and walked up to the bottom step, where six men, all dressed in fine suits, sat.

"Out of my way," Vlad commanded.

"Afraid we can't do that. It would violate the contract," said one of them.

"Contract?" Vlad asked impatiently. He could hear the sound of a flock of bat-winged creatures approaching.

"Yes, the one we have with Satan. We're lawyers, we're the real owners of Hell, we conned Lucifer out of this place years ago."

"You people are sick." Vlad turned around to see a half dozen winged demons land behind him.

"Dammit," he said as they tied him up, "so close..."

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