Monday, December 13, 2010

Suggestionator 2010: "angels, demons, kittens, jell-o pudding, bill cosby"

To view the Suggestionator 2010 details and suggestions, click here.
Next suggestion comes from Andy, who said "angels, demons, kittens, jell-o-pudding, bill cosby." I think this ended up being a pretty decent story, though I ended up not being able to fit the Jell-O in there. Hopefully Andy can forgive me.

The kitten is fluffy, round and black-furred. It peers around the corner into the living room, where the child is watching "The Cosby Show" on the television. It rolls its eyes and sighs and dashes behind the couch. How the **** did I get stuck with this ****y-*** job? the kitten thinks to himself. What makes this rugrat so ****ing special anyways?

The kitten's name is Snuggles. The demon that is currently controlling the form of the kitten is named Larry, and he absolutely abhors being called Snuggles. Satan recently tasked him with killing the two year old on the other side of the couch. Because Satan is a bit of twisted old bastard, he told Larry to do it by way of possessing the family's new pet kitten. Larry thinks it's simply a job to keep him busy, but when your boss is Satan, you don't ask questions.

The family that Larry-Snuggles belonged to was a fairly average, middle-class, suburban family living in southern California. There was nothing at all remarkable about them, as far as Larry-Snuggles could tell. There was the wife, who was a reasonably attractive, stay-at-home mom, the husband was a hard-working and honest accountant, and the child was their first, and her name was Daisy.

Larry-Snuggles had been acquired about a week ago, and the family loved him--despite his utter loathing of them. The same day that Larry-Snuggles had been brought home to Daisy, they had also got a yellow Labrador puppy. The puppy's name is Bones. Larry-Snuggles hates him with a fiery passion and has decided that he was going to kill Bones immediately after killing Daisy.

Larry-Snuggles peers around the couch at the little girl and kneads his front paws on the couch, sheathing and unsheathing his claws. A single drop of saliva splashes on the top of Larry-Snuggles's head, and he flinches and looks up. He sees Bones standing behind him, his mouth agape, and his tongue hanging out. Larry-Snuggles wipes his head with his paw and turns away, muttering.

"Worthless pile of **** animal," he says quietly.

"That's not nice," Bones whines. Larry-Snuggles turns around and stares at Bones, baffled.

"You can talk?" he asks.

"So can you," Bones says matter-of-factly.

"True enough," Larry-Snuggles says shrugging, "But that's because I'm actually a demon. And you aren't a demon."

"Nope. Not a demon."

"Damn it. Must you interfere with everything, Steve?" Larry-Snuggles moans. "Eternal damnation in the fiery pits is bad enough without you messing up every assignment I'm given."

Steve is an angel. He's currently housed in the body of Bones. He is tasked by God to make sure that Larry succeeds in as little mischief as possible. Why, just earlier in the week, Steve had helped a blind man crossing the street, thwarting Larry's plan to run him over with a sixteen-wheeler. Larry and Steve both understood that there was nothing personal about their rivalry, it was purely professional. But they were incredibly competitive, nonetheless. Steve is currently on a particularly lengthy winning streak, and Larry is getting peeved.

"It's my job, Larry," Steve-Bones says, "you know that."

"Yes, but I have quotas to fill here. The boss will crucify me if I don't come home with this one. Just give me a break here."

"No can do, pal," Steve-Bones replies. "By the way, your head is sizzling."

Larry-Snuggles screams and swipes at his smoking head. "What did you do to me?!" he cries.

"That's where my drool landed. I'm an angel. That makes my saliva holy water."

"You disgust me," Larry-Snuggles hisses. Steve-Bones opens his mouth wide and gives the possessed kitten a huge lick.

"I know," he replies, as the ethereal form of the demon leaves the confused feline. Larry turns to Steve-Bones and raises both of his middle fingers to him. Bones just pants dumbly.


Ka-crack! goes Satan's whip. It's one of Satan's favorites, actually. It's lined with great white shark teeth that have been dipped in king cobra venom. It's also on fire. Satan mostly likes the fire.

Ka-crack! goes the whip as it digs into Larry's crimson scaly demon-flesh.


"I can't tolerate this kind of failure, Larry," Satan says in his businessman voice. "It's just unacceptable."


"But master," Larry says in between lashes, "why did they matter? That family was completely ordinary!"


"No," says Satan sternly, "they weren't."


"What was so ****ing special about them then?!"

Satan pauses in his torture to re-apply venom to the teeth of the whip.

"They were happy."


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