Saturday, December 18, 2010

Suggestionator 2010: "China, disease, fast food, giant worm, rave"

Yet another Suggestionator story! This one is courtesy of Manny who gave me the words "China, disease, fast-food, giant worm, rave" to work with. Here ya go!

This is Chad. He is twenty-two, single, and he's still living with his parents. He has a lot of (online) friends, and can definitely destroy your paladin*. Chad is standing behind the register of a McGreasey Burger at 10am on a Sunday. His job kind of sucks**, but that's fitting, because he loves in Sucktown, USA, which is located somewhere over there. You probably haven't heard of it, because you don't suck enough***.

Today is a particularly sucky day behind the counter of the suckiest suck-hole in Sucktown, because it's slow. When it's busy at the McGreasey Burger, Chad has something to focus on, and doesn't have time to stop and think. But, when it's slow, Chad has nothing to do except think, and when Chad thinks, he thinks about how sucky his job is, which in turn makes his life suck, and how he should probably exercise more, and why don't girls talk to him, and the food here sucks, and Sucktown is really not where he wants to spend the rest of his life.

Chad picks his nose and wipes it on the underside of the cash register. As soon as he removes his finger, the ground begins to shake violently. Before Chad has time to apologize to God**** about his obviously grievous health-code violation, Chad is knocked over on to the ground. He watches as a gaping hole appears in the lobby, swallowing all of that half of the building into the earth, tables, chairs, and the only working mop.

As Chad lays on the ground screaming like a wee girl, a monstrous worm, pale, horrifying, and towering over the roof, emerges from the hole. The worm has a huge mouth, filled with serrated, razor-sharp rows of teeth. It's easily a hundred feet tall, and as big around as an ancient redwood tree*****. He roars at the cowering cashier.

Chad screams. Yet again, it bears a striking resemblance to that of a small girl.

*This assuming that you do, indeed use a paladin. Chad made no guarantees that he could destroy any other class of character. But your paladin? He will make you paladin bend over and take it like a man.
**This is purely Chad's opinion. The author isn't not making a statement about McGreasey Burger franchises, nor is he using this to illustrate passed experiences in similarly named fast-food establishments.
***This statement is void if you are:
a) a vacuum cleaner
b) a prostitute
c) a tornado
d) a politician
****Chad doesn't actually practice any sort of religion. He's just one of those douche bags that start grovelling when they think they're about to die.
*****This simile only works if you're thinking of a very large ancient redwood tree. Not a small, or even moderately sized ancient redwood tree.


Hours earlier (ignoring time zones) in Beijing, China:

This is Jim. Jim is an earthworm* of average intelligence and build for an earthworm his age. He's also single, but only temporarily. Jim is a real hit with the ladies,** so he isn't too worried. He's just taking it easy before finding the right one.

Jim is currently chilling in the sewers below a rave in a club in Beijing, banging his head*** to the sick beats. He hangs there with a few future female prospects, getting his freak on****. The rave eventually ends, and the ladies leave, with Jim having scored a few numbers.

Jim happens to be seated in a prime position right below a drain from which a janitor has just dumped the remains of various substances that he found in the club after the partiers had left. These all fell right on top of Jim. Little does Jim know, this potent mixture of ecstasy, acid, vodka and Windex***** is about to change his life forever. Jim's worm body, absorbing just the right combination of chemicals, begins to grow and mutate at an astonishing rate, turning him into a colossal mega-worm******.

Thinking that he should seize this incredible opportunity, Jim decides to burrow straight down, through the Earth's mantle, to America, where he can finally be free*******. So he does.

* No, I didn't do that on purpose. It's a total coincidence. Don't sue me.
** Earthworms are hermaphrodites. Roll with it.
*** Actually, that might be his tail...
**** "Kids, getting your freak on is bad."--Jesus
***** "Kids, don't do Windex."--Jesus
****** This only works on earthworms. Don't try this, it will not turn you into a superhero. You'll probably just die, and dying isn't a super-power.
******* Unless Jim wants to yell "fire" in a movie theater.


It's now been established that Chad is a total wuss. He is cowering behind the counter of the McGreasey Burger, crying like a woman*. What Chad thinks is roaring, is actually just Jim trying to order a Double Greasey Combo with a medium Spittle. The problem is miscommunication, as Chad doesn't speak Chinese.

Instead of getting someone to translate, Chad calls the police. As Jim continues to try to order, two of Sucktown's finest** pull up in their squad cars, and began opening fire on Jim. The small caliber rounds bounce off of Jim's mega-worm skin, and one bullet even hits a passing pigeon***. Jim asks them very politely in Chinese to please stop, but they don't speak Chinese either. The police officers then completely overreact and call the military. Jim tries once more to order, but Chad is sprinting as fast as his under-worked legs can carry him across the parking lot to his mom's van that he drove to work today.

Jim, being completely appalled at the service, cuts Chad off and eats him. Jim belches and realizes that he might have been a bit drastic, but damn it, he's hungry, and if he would've just got his Double Greasey, this wouldn't have happened.

Jim worms his way back to the counter and asks for a manager. No one has time to respond to Jim's request, though, because the tanks have arrived. Just as they're about to fire and blast Jim into oblivion, Jim glows an eerie green color, and, with a flash of light, he returns to being a normal**** earthworm.

And that is the story of the day that Sucktown didn't suck. At least for a little while*****

* That isn't sexist. If you think it is, you're probably a woman.
** Not actually very fine. It's kind of a comparative thing.
*** His name was Carl. He had a wife and two kids, with another on the way. He had so much to live for. And they took it all away. Those bastards.
**** When it is said that he is "normal," that is of course not taking into consideration Jim's uncanny ability to get women earthworms to sleep with him simply by using horribly cheesy pick-up lines.
***** This is not counting that one time.

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