Friday, December 17, 2010

Suggestionator 2010: "guitar, schizophrenia, ACID, hotel, chevy."

For the details on Suggestionator 2010, click here. Today's story is from David, who said "guitar, schizophrenia, ACID, hotel, chevy." I kind of forgot about the Chevy part once I got going, so sorry about that. I think it's entertaining nonetheless.

Eddy Thunder is the richest rock-star on the face of the Earth. Eddy Thunder is--to be frank-- really ~~~~ing awesome.

When he was but a young lad, Eddy Thunder climbed a tall mountain with an electric guitar strapped to his back. When he reached the top, he plugged his guitar into a storm cloud, and with music powered by lightning, he shredded on his guitar, and melted the faces of the gods. He tore power-chord-sized holes in the heavens and blasted waves of liquid epic into their almighty ears.

The gods head-banged in approval and granted Eddy Thunder three wishes. His first wish, he asked that his guitar be given magical properties, so that he may slay his demonic enemies with hellfire and lightning spitting forth from his strings. The gods reached a black fingerless-gloved hand out of the clouds and it grabbed Eddy Thunder's guitar. The hand emitted a bright white light, and handed the guitar back, now infused with god-like power.

His second wish, Eddy Thunder asked for a band unlike one ever assembled before. A band sculpted out of brimstone and ~~~-kicking; one that could rock the very fabric of reality, and trash the hotel of the universe. So the gods threw up devil horns and three almighty rockers emerged from the rock that Eddy Thunder stood on, along with their instruments. Eddy Thunder dubbed his band the Deities of Doom, and it rocked.

For his third wish, Eddy Thunder asked the gods for eternal youth for him and his band, because old people are total ~~~~es. The gods granted him his wish, and with a righteous metal-scream, they left.

Eddy Thunder and the Deities of Doom descended from the peak and went on a world tour the likes of which the world had never seen. They battled ninjas on stage in Tokyo. They had a shoot-out in a saloon in Houston. Eddy out-thundered Thor in Oslo, and wrestled a bear in Moscow.

Eddy Thunder has now gone on over a dozen world tours and released 69 albums, each of which went platinum in a single day. He is currently taking some down time in his palace that is staffed completely by his personal army of super-models.

Eddy Thunder. He's pretty ~~~~ing awesome.


Edward Thomas can hear the TV talking. Not that he can process the words. It is above and to the right of his hospital bed, and it's currently trying to play the voice of the evil media corporations over the monotonous rhythm of the EKG.

"Police had to remove a homeless man from a convenience store roof last night," says the reporter's botoxed lips that sit below her nose-job, which is attached to her fake face, atop of which sits her bleached-blond hair, which flows down to her implanted breasts. "During the thunder storm, 28 year old Edward Thomas climbed up there and held his guitar straight up in the air."

If Edward could see the screen, he would watch footage of him being dragged into a police car as he grunted out words:

"I want to share my sound with you."

"The police apprehended the normally civil street-musician and took him to the hospital. We have reports that he is currently in a coma. A drug overdose is the suspected cause."

"But he just wants to share his music with you, Jan," the strong-jawed male co-host  says mockingly. They both laugh.

"What a nut job. We'll be back after the commercial break."

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